


Couple's Resort

by GothicWolf03



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Harley being adorable, Hilarity & Chaos, Joker being the fun lunatic, Mild Language, Mild Sexual Content, Mild Sexual Dialogue/Innuendo, alcohol reference
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-07
Updated: 2015-11-25
Packaged: 2018-04-30 11:51:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5162837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GothicWolf03/pseuds/GothicWolf03
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harley takes an online survey to qualify for an all-expense paid vacation to an expensive resort in the Bahamas, but realizes that the ticket only works if she brings along five companions. And she doesn’t mention to the others that it’s a couples resort, ensuing chaos to this trip!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lucky Contest Winner

**Author's Note:**

> For all fans of Harley, you'll love this XD
> 
> I don't own anything, all of these lovely characters belong to DC Comics. If I did, I'd definitely make a site-com about these wonderful villains. JK XD

Harley Quinn whimsically hummed a soft tune as she surfed the net, her fingers clicking through the various emails in her inbox. It had been a while since she last used the computer, what with all of the heists she had been pulling with Joker and the stays at Arkham rarely gave her any social life. The messages weren’t that important; she mostly got news reports, and very few did Harley ever pay attention to promotional specials that stores sent out every hour. Why would she use coupons when her boyfriend could get her anything she desired for free?

“Oh, my favorite apple-scented shampoo is for sale. Better write it down for my puddin’ to get.” She scribbled the merchandise down on a notepad before resuming to go through all of her unread messages. “Ew, got an email from that greasy bird-brain. Who even gave ‘em my address? Delete.”

She gave out an exasperated sigh, her chin resting in her hand. “Why don’t I ever get anythin’ exciting? There’s gotta be somethin’ fun to do,” Her narrowed eyes scanned through all the unnecessary contents before lighting up at the big, flashy letters.

“No way! A free ticket to a couples resort in the Bahamas?” Harley squeaked in excitement, finally finding something she can do with her puddin’.

“Quiet, Harley! Harv and I are trying to watch the game!”

“Sorry puddin’ I’ll try to keep it down.” She hoorayed in silence as she clicked on the link. It immediately took her to the resort website where the instructions were neatly displayed.

“Hello there, applicable contest winner. If you like to win a free ticket to a luxurious all-expense paid trip to a couples resort in the Bahamas, please answer the following questions listed below. The 100th person to completely fill in everything and submit the survey will be the winner. Ticket must be used anytime between June 1 & June 15.”

“But then that means tomorrow we have to use it or else it’ll expire!” Harley scrolled down and read out loud the first question.

“Question #1: Are you currently in a relationship? Well duh, who wouldn’t?” She typed in her answer and moved on to the next question. “Question #2: Is your boyfriend/girlfriend very romantic to you?”

Harley didn’t know how to respond to that; she was afraid that if she said ‘no’ then they wouldn’t give her the free ticket, but who’s to say that this resort isn’t for couples who currently have relationship problems and want to rekindle their romance?

_Just to be safe, I’ll just type in ‘occasionally’_. It wasn’t entirely a lie since Joker was sometimes in the mood, whenever he wasn’t obsessing over ruining the Bats. Satisfied with her answer, she moved on to the last question.

“Question #3: Would you consider helping to improve the love lives of your best friends? What do they have to do with me and Mistah J earning a free vacation?” Though seeing as Ivy really needed improvements in her lonely, single life, she responded as truthfully as possible.

“Of course. I don’t want anyone to be lonely; everyone deserves the chance to be happy and find true love. There!” She finally submitted her responses, anxiously staring at the screen as the page loaded the results.

“Thank you for . . . blah blah blah . . . would very much like to . . . blah blah blah . . . oh wait!” She re-read the second paragraph again, a wide smile adorning her face.

“Yippee! I WON, OH MY GOD!” Harley bounced up and down off her chair, her pigtails swishing as she did her happy dance.

“HARLEY, KEEP IT DOWN OR I’LL SHUT YOU UP MYSELF!”

She ignored his clamor and resumed reading the screen, suddenly becoming even more excited than before.

“It says I can take two other couples with me in order for it to be a free trip. So _that_ was what the question meant! Hm, I don’t know anyone else who’s in a relationship like me and puddin’ . . .” a wicked grin suddenly formed, her blue eyes glinting in mischief. “Maybe I can play matchmaker and set people up! Now, who should I take?”

After listing the other four people in her head, she skipped her way into the living room where Joker and Two-Face were. They each had a beer bottle in hand, and the popcorn bowl nestled between the two of them. Both villains protested when Harley stood in front of the TV, blocking their view of the football game.

“J, control your woman,” argued Two-Face.

“Harley, what’s the big idea? We’re watchin’ a game here! Don’t make me hurt you, you worthless dame,” he threatened.

“It’ll just take a sec puddin’. I have exciting news: I won us a free trip to a resort in the Bahamas!”

Hearing the words ‘free’ instantly set the Joker in a jovial mood as he rushed to hug his girl, which she made the most out of his rare affections. Two-Face just stared at them open-mouthed, disgruntled that the clown prince got to go away on vacation while he stayed here in crummy Gotham.

“Here that Harv, my little Harls won us a free trip! And to the Bahamas, oh I’ll love the beaches over there.”

“That also reminds me: it’s only a free trip if four other people accompany us. Hope ya aren’t mad puddin’ . . .”

Joker shook his head and grinned enthusiastically. “The more the merrier, my sweets! Harv, since you’re my best pal, you’re joining us.”

Two-Face’s eyes widened. “You mean it, J?”

“Of course! A vacation isn’t fun without friends to enjoy it with. I’d just _die_ of boredom. Who else is going on this trip?”

Harley waved him off. “No worries, puddin’. Everythin’ is already taken care of. I just have to call the rest of the gang that I’m bringin’ so that we are ready for tomorrow—”

“Tomorrow!?” Joker shouted. “That’s not enough time to prepare! Better start packing pronto! Harv, we’ll continue the game another time.”

“No problem J, I gotta pack myself. Thanks again, Harley.”

“Bye Harvey!” Harley waved as he exited the funhouse, now alone while the Joker was in his room. “Better start callin’ the others. This’ll be fun.”


	2. Not What I Was Hoping For

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here comes the drama ;)

The airport was bustling with people rushing left and right, late to their designated gates. A dark-haired woman dressed in a black crop top and high-waist shorts exited Starbucks, happily drinking her Frappuccino while reading a magazine in her hand.

“This resort Harley mentioned doesn’t appear anywhere, I wonder why. Oh well, at least I’ll be in the Caribbean. I can’t wait to get there.” Selina placed the magazine inside the net pocket of her backpack before tugging her luggage along.

_Let’s see . . . Gate C-32, C-33, C-34 . . . There it is!_ “Harley!”

The blonde girl turned when she heard her name being called, screaming while running to her best friend, which caused several onlookers to watch the scene unfold. The red & black sundress she wore rustled against her feet, and her arms enveloped Selina in a tight bear-hug. “Kitty, I’m glad ya came!”

“Thanks for inviting me, Harls. You have no idea how much I needed this vacation.”

“Oh it was no biggie! You’re actually early, we still have to wait for the others.”

“Others?” Selina quirked a brow in curiosity, slugging her backpack off her shoulder to feel more comfortable. “You told me it was just a girl’s vacation: you, me, and Ivy.”

“Sure it is . . . but I had to include three other people in order for the vacation to be free.”

“Okay. I don’t have a problem with it. Does Pammy know?” Selina smirked when Harley sheepishly smiled at her. “Let me guess, Joker is here. This vacation got so much better!”

Harley laughed. “I knew ya’d understand, Kitty. Sorry for lying, but I had to make an excuse so Red would come too. Ya know how she gets ‘round Mistah J.”

“Fair enough. So where is J?” Selina scanned the waiting area, not finding the familiar mossy green hair anywhere.

“Puddin’ had to use the little men’s room, he’ll be back soon.” Both young women giggled at the thought, ceasing once they saw the tall figure of Jonathan Crane.

“Good morning, ladies. Harley, thanks again for inviting me.”

Harley quickly hugged her old-time friend. “No worries, Johnny! You’re practically family to me.” Selina greeted the lanky professor and gave him a hug too.

“I assume Joker is here as well. Are there any more companions joining us?”

“Yep, just waitin’ on Pammy. Harvey went to collect the ticket at the customer’s service desk, and then we’re set to go!”

“Wait, Harvey is here?” Selina asked.

“Yeah, him and puddin’ are close friends. Why?”

Selina ran her hand through her spiky hair, awkwardly sipping on her drink. “No reason,” she murmured.

Harley shook her head, glad to know her scheme was going perfectly. She had always known Selina had a thing for the ex-DA, and if everything worked out as it should be then there would be another celebrity couple in the Rogue Gallery, and then she and Selina could do double dates and everything! If only the same thing happened to Ivy . . .

“There is Ms. Isley now,” Jonathan replied.

As a matter of fact, Ivy came strutting into the gate wearing a breezy long skirt and a flowy blouse. Her red curls peeked from underneath the straw hat, and her eyes were obscured underneath aviator shades. Once she was with the trio, she pulled down her shades, revealing glowing green eyes. “Hello everyone.”

Selina peered closer so she could see her eyes better in the lighting. “Ivy, is everything alright? Your eyes are really bright.”

Ivy nodded. “It’s nothing. My pheromones are acting up lately. I just recovered from a cold a few days ago.”

“Aw Red, ya sure ya can still come with us?”

“Are you kidding? I’m not missing a free week to the Bahamas. We need to get out of Gotham, the depressing weather really wears me out. Wait, it’s just us, right Harls?”

“Um well . . .” Harley shyly hid within her chest, away from the glowering eyes of Ivy.

Ivy glared. “Joker is coming, isn’t he?”

“Well, puddin’ loves anythin’ that’s free.” Harley pouted, seeing Ivy angrily put her glasses back on. “Aw, don’t be like that Red. I won us the trip, and it would make me happy if ya got along with Mistah J. For me?”

She tried her hardest to resist, but Harley did have a point, and the least she could do was support her through and through. Besides, it’s not like her talks about the clown ever got through to the blonde girl, so why waste her breath? Ivy gave an exasperated sigh. “Fine, I’ll try. But I won’t promise anything.”

“Yay! You’re the best Pammy! Oh I see Puddin’ and Harvey. Puddin’!” Harley immediately latched onto her boyfriend’s arm, snuggling close to him.

The Joker scowled. “The bathrooms here are horrible, talk about lack of service.” His expression lit up when he saw Selina. “Well, if it isn’t my favorite female friend—no offense Weed. How are you, kitty cat?”

“Not doing too badly, though what did you mean earlier?”

Joker chuckled, patting her on the back. “And they say curiosity killed the cat. I wasn’t just going to wait in line to use it, so I may have killed a few people just to speed things up. Glad the coppers haven’t noticed anything yet.”

“ . . . How did you manage to smuggle a weapon through the metal detectors?”

“Oh I have my ways, kitty cat.”

“Great, right when we are about to start our vacation, pasty here goes trigger happy,” Ivy scowled.

A soft chime resounded over the area, and the attendant’s voice came on.

_“May I have your attention please? We are beginning to board once the doors open. Everyone will follow into the terminal and onto the plane, where you will all sit in your designated seats. Boarding first will be first-class.”_

Harley beamed, grabbing the ticket from Two-Face and showing it to the lady at the front desk. “Excuse me, I’m the lucky winner from the online contest, and here are the five people I brought with me.”

The lady bore an expressionless face, not in the least caring about her job nor the super criminals that approached her. “Sure, all of you have the first cabin to yourselves.” She rarely scanned the ticket before shoving back to Harley. “Have a nice flight.”

“Talk ‘bout being unfriendly, but she ain’t gonna ruin our day. No one will,” Harley said while they all passed through the doors and boarded the plane.

“So, what are the seating arrangements?” Jonathan asked, placing his luggage in the cargo hold.

Joker cackled. “Oh good one, ‘seating arrangements’. Glad Harley invited you here, nerdy.” He rebuffed the heated glare that the fear-craved criminal sent to him. “I was thinking about sitting with Harv.”

Two-Face procured his coin from his pocket, flipping it as it landed good side. “Fine by me.”

“But puddin’, dontcha wanna sit with your gal?” Harley pouted tearfully.

“Please, and have you annoy me for over 3 hours? No thanks.” Joker put away his luggage before sitting on the spacious pearl sofa chair, sighing as he reclined the chair to get more comfortable. Two-Face rolled his eyes, nonetheless he sat next to him, withdrawing a car magazine to occupy his time.

“Don’t listen to him honey, you’re more than welcome to sit with me,” Pamela patted the empty seat next to her.

“Okay.”

Selina sighed, putting the luggage in the compartment above, then she took out her novel from her backpack before putting the bag under her chair. “You and me, Crane?”

“Of course.” He claimed his own book from his luggage before putting it away, latching the lid close and sitting down in his seat.

Half an hour had passed, and the gang all waited patiently for the plane to take off – well everyone except Joker, who by now had the urge to rush them to take off before he fired a bullet through someone’s skull. Once the safety videos were played, and the stewardess went through all of the announcements, the plane began moving, and it wasn’t long before it took off into the air.

Joker fingered his ear, an annoying sound ringing in his head. “I remember why I hate air travel. My ears feel like they’re gonna pop!”

“Just forget ‘bout it J. Let’s see if these monitors have the football game from last night.” Two-Face searched through the listings with the remote, satisfied that they have the channel he requested. “Now this is more like it.”

“Oh, raise it up!” Joker snatched the remote and raised the volume at full max.

Jonathan cringed from the sound, irritated by the clown’s actions. “Will you please keep it down? Ms. Kyle and I are trying to read.”

“You’re no fun, Johnny.” Joker reluctantly complied, but he didn’t lower it too much.

Jonathan sighed, glancing back to his cat loving companion. “I’ve noticed you didn’t bring Isis with you.”

“Hm,” Selina bookmarked her page where she left off before giving him her undivided attention. “Sorry. Isis hates air travel, that’s why I hardly take her anywhere far. But Holly is looking after her while I’m away.”

Jonathan nodded. “Ah yes. How is Holly?”

“She’s doing better. I remember when she refused to talk for a whole month when I adopted her as my sister, but she’s warming up. Even has a boyfriend, Jason.” Selina peered at the title of his book, smiling in remembrance. “ _The Legend of Sleepy Hollow_. That’s one of my favorite books.”

She noticed he became bitter, but quickly dismissed it when he began speaking. “Yes, mine to. I can empathize with Ichabod, poor lad being mistreated all the time.”

“I understand.” Selina sympathetically touched his shoulder before tapping Harley’s chair in front of her. “Hey Harls, about this resort, what is it like?”

Ivy took off her sunglasses and hat, reverting back to her natural skin tone, though it was more greyish-green than natural green. “Yeah, you never really described the place.”

“Um well . . . it’s really expensive. The pictures they’ve sent had chandeliers, marble floors, fancy furniture. Even had slides in the pool.” She put on her usual perky smile, though it had a hint of forcefulness.

_Hopefully they bought it. I can’t tell ‘em what it is or else they’ll call it quits for sure!_

Ivy nodded. “Any gardens? Natural life?”

“Oh, they have tons of nature stuff! Ya’ll love it Red.”

An attendant suddenly appeared in the cabin, wearing a tight uniform. Her eyes roamed around the room, noticing they were the infamous super criminals of Gotham. She became nervous all of a sudden, worrying for the safety of the other passengers. “H-how are you enjoying your flight so far?”

“Toots, if we were enjoying anything, there would be alcohol involved. Now where can we get some alcoholic beverages ‘round here?”

“I’m sorry but I’m afraid I can’t get you any.”

“What? Why not?” Joker wasn’t too pleased with her disobedience.

“I’ve been instructed to not give you any in case of . . . sudden violent outbursts.”

Selina rubbed her forehead. “Oh god, she really should keep her mouth shut around J.”

Joker slowly smiled, which in turn changed to a full-on cackle. The attendant nervously smiled, sweat pouring down the sides of her face, not understanding what was going on. Once he recovered, the Joker stood up and invaded her personal space as she tried to back away.

“Now listen here, toots. We earned this trip fair and square, and as part of our experience you have to do as we say, or else you’ll be the end of my punchline. Get it?” He seethed through his teeth, his fist raised in her face so she gets his point.

She obediently nodded, holding her hands above her face. “Y-y-yes Mister Joker, sir.” She rushed back to the cockpit, leaving the cabin in cold silence.

“Well, I’m done with the craziness for one day. Wake me up when we get there.” Ivy placed the eye-cover over her eyelids, leaning against the pillow as she fell asleep.

The attendant came back a few minutes later, with alcoholic drinks served in small shot glasses. Joker, his temper now alleviated, happily drank his drink while biting on the olive. Two-Face drank his in one go, loving the burning sensation in his throat, before resuming to watch the game with J. Selina drank every now and then once she finished a chapter, too engrossed in the book to really take notice of anything else. Jonathan had followed Ivy’s lead and retired shortly after he only read a few chapters of his book, and Harley was currently wearing headphones while reading a hair-styling magazine and chewing on a piece of bubblegum.

“Hey Selina,” Harley blew on her gum and popped the bubble, chewing loudly on the treat.

“Hm?”

“Ya think I should change my hairstyle?”

“I guess, if that’s what you truly want. Personally, I think your hair is fine as it is.” Selina closed her book, already halfway done with the novel, and they weren’t even in the air for 30 minutes. “Why the sudden change?”

Harley sighed, gazing longingly at the short haircuts each scantily-clad model sported on every page. “Well, I was thinkin’ of getting a shorter do.”

“Why? I prefer you better with long hair.”

Harley took off her headphones, gazing back to her boyfriend and Two-Face, who weren’t paying them any heed as they continued watching the game. She whispered, “I heard shorter hair makes the boingers look bigger.”

Selina blinked. “The what?”

“Ya know,” Harley cupped her breasts to emphasize her point. “I’m sure puddin’ will appreciate me better.”

“Okay, I’d never thought I’d agree with Ivy on anything but I guess now is as good as any. You don’t need to change your appearance just to please a man. If he doesn’t accept you as you are, then screw him. How long have you and J been together?”

“Pretty long, ‘bout five years. Three if ya don’t include our therapy sessions.”

“Well there you go. That’s the longest relationship I’ve ever heard of, so that means you’re doing something right, and he must love you.”

“Yeah, but what if the new do makes our relationship even better?”

Selina shrugged, resuming where she left off in her novel. “Ask J.”

“You’re right!” Harley beamed, looking back at her boyfriend. “Hey puddin’, would ya still love me if I cut my hair?”

“Even if you go bald, I wouldn’t love you. Now be quiet!”

“Fine! Be that way you ungrateful jerk.” Harley huffed in her seat, placing her headphones back in her ears, muttering colorful comments to herself. “This was not what I was hoping for.”


	3. What's With All The Commotion?

_“Attention all passengers: we are beginning to descend. Please make sure any loose belongings are put away and placed underneath your seats. We will arrive at Grand Bahama Island in ten minutes. I hope you’ve enjoyed your stay with us on Caribbean Express.”_

“Oh goodie! We’re finally here, I’m so excited!” Harley roughly shook Ivy awake. “Red, wake up. We’re here already.”

“Hmm, Harls . . .” Ivy removed the eye-cover, groggily staring back at her blonde friend. “What time is it?”

“Almost noon, and I’m starving! But we’re here, Red.” Ivy looked out of her miniscule window, gasping at the beautiful blue-green ocean that shimmered in the sun, and at the expansive green lands.

“My god, I’m in paradise.”

Harley giggled, pivoting around her seat to find Selina dead asleep, with her head leaning on Jonathan’s shoulder. “Awww, I gotta take a picture!”

They both groaned, rubbing their eyes when they saw a bright white light stunning them. Selina detached herself from the male, peering back at Harley holding a photo. “What’s the big idea?”

“It’s for safekeeping! And the first photo I’ve ever taken with this camera, it’s definitely going in my scrapbook.”

“That’s nice.” Jonathan stretched out his arms and legs from the long nap, checking his watch. “Oh my, it’s already noon.”

“Yeah, I could go for some fish right about now.” Selina rubbed her belly, pouting when her stomach grumbled.

“Ugh, I hate fish. So smelly and yucky.” Harley dramatically stuck her tongue out in disgust before grabbing her sandal and throwing it at Joker. “Wake up, ya lazy clown!”

The Joker gave a startled yelp when the shoe collided with his face; picking it up he glared back at Harley. “What did you do that for? You aren’t still mad at me, are you pooh?”

“Hmph, we’ll see.” She frowned, turning around instead to talk to Ivy, whom she hadn’t spoken to in a while. “So Red, anythin’ in particular that ya wanna do when we arrive?”

“Well, I’ve researched the Garden of Groves in Freeport that I’ve been dying to go to if we get the chance. Other than that, I’m fine relaxing at the beach or whatever you want to do.”

“Sounds swell! I’ll make sure we visit there sometime this week. Oh, we’re going to land!” Harley scooted closer to Ivy, watching as the plane wobbly veer to the side, but she forgot to wear her seatbelt, thus falling to the floor.

“Harley!” It seems that Ivy forgot to put her seatbelt back on –wearing it while sleeping made her uncomfortable – so she safely secured herself in her seat, not noticing her friend clumsily flying towards the other side of the plane.

“Woooooah!” Harley screeched as she was tossed from side to side, trying to grab onto anything.

_“Attention please: we are experiencing slight difficulties with the turbulence. Please make sure your seatbelts are on to prevent any incidents.”_

“Now ya tell me!”

“Harls, hang on!” Selina unbuckled her seatbelt, handing her finished novel to Jonathan before steadying herself with the back of the chair as she cautiously made her way towards Harley.

“J, aren’t you gonna do something to help your dame?”

“Hm?” Joker situated himself further back, clearly ignoring whatever he said. “Not my problem. If you want to help Harley, knock yourself off.”

Two-Face grumbled, taking off his seatbelt and firmly grasping the chairs as the plane made a sharp turn. By this point, Selina reached out her hand for Harley, with the plane still veering to the left side.

“Harley, grab my hand!”

Harley tried to grab Selina’s outstretched hand, groaning when her arm couldn’t reach her. “Get a little bit closer.”

Selina did as instructed, relieved that Harley managed to latch onto her arm. “Gotcha Harls!” Their moment was short-lived when the plane started teetering again, and this time Selina fumbled away from the furniture she had currently held onto.

“Oh shiiii-ahh!”

Both girls currently stood in the same position, not getting forcefully thrown by the plane anymore. Selina stiffly stood still, her hand still grabbing Harley’s arm, and her face flushed hot as she nervously peered down to see large hands around her that managed to hold her in place.

. . . . . . She screamed when those same hands unintentionally groped her boobs.

“HARVEY!”

“Crap!” His face resembled her own embarrassed one, and in the background they could hear the Joker uncontrollably laughing.

“J!” Two-Face yelled.

“What? H-how . . . can I _not_ enjoy this? Hahahaha . . . Oh, it’s too much . . . Hahahahaha,” tears sprang from his eyes as he pounded the chair with his fists.

Instantaneously, the plane jerked to the other side so fast that Selina accidentally released Harley in surprise while she and Two-Face harshly landed in an empty sit, his face hidden underneath her back. Harley screamed, hitting against the wall of the cabin and falling to the floor. She rubbed at the sore spot behind her head. “Owww.”

Meanwhile, the Joker hadn’t stopped laughing from the hilarious spectacle, causing Harley to furiously stomp her way over to him, as soon as her legs didn’t feel like jelly anymore.

“It’s not funny, ya sick bastard!”

Ivy pushed her sunglasses up to the crown of her head, smirking as the Joker yelped as he was being pummeled by his hyperactive girlfriend. She quickly grabbed the camera and took a picture of the fighting clowns, smiling even more when she grabbed the picture that came out.

“Now _that_ is a picture worth saving. I’m keeping it.”

It wasn’t long before they finally stopped experiencing technical difficulties, and the plane smoothly landed across the runway. The ones who weren’t caught up in the free-fall death trap calmly collected all of their belongings, while the others pretended that nothing had happened as they exited the flying contraption.

“Ah, now this is a site! Bon voyage Gotham, hello the Bahamas!”

“I’ll say. Harley, wasn’t someone supposed to pick us up?” Ivy peered at the various chauffeurs, trying to pinpoint any signs that indicated the blonde’s name.

“Yep, there he is!” Harley pointed to the dark man holding up a sign that read ‘Harley Quinn’ in big red and black bubble letters with little harlequin diamonds decorating the white board. “C’mon!”

“Hello, you must be Miss Quinn. Congratulations for winning the contest.” The chauffeur politely shook her hand, then turned to the others. “Are these the other co—?”

“Companions! Yep, these are the gang,” Harley quickly interrupted him, glad to have cut him off before he said ‘couples’.

Joker took a step forward, vigorously shaking the man’s hand. “My good man, we would like you to take us to the resort as quickly as you can. We’re in a hurry to eat, I could practically eat someone’s arm off!”

The chauffeur appeared uncomfortable by Joker’s declaration, shuffling his feet. “Yes, well follow me to the limousine. May I take your bags?”

Once everyone handed the man their luggage and other essentials, they unceremoniously compacted themselves inside the vehicle, finding the inside to be rather boxy than what it appeared to be on the outside.

“Watch where you put your legs.” Ivy angrily stomped on the Joker’s foot, earning a gasp from the clown.

“Lose the ‘tude, Pammy. It’s not exactly spacious in here.” He elbowed her side for good measure, and soon the two were locked in an intense showdown.

“Hopefully we aren’t cramped for very long.” Jonathan couldn’t move his arms, they were squished next to Two-Face and Selina, who were both refusing to acknowledge or even speak to one another for the matter.

_It’s really awkward being next to these two._ He opened the slide window to better talk to the driver. “Excuse me sir, how far away is our destination?”

“It’s only fifteen minutes away, sir.”

Groans erupted from everyone’s mouths as the car roared to life.

Throughout the whole car ride, Joker and Ivy bickered for some mundane reason (though Harley didn’t understand what it was), Two-Face and Selina kept looking at everything and everyone but themselves with Jonathan stuck in between, and Harley started playing ‘I Spy’ with herself.

“I spy somethin’ green,” she replied.

“Joker’s greasy hair?” Ivy bitterly answered.

“Ivy’s disgusting skin tone?” Joker replied with equal favor, and the two started arguing again.

“No, and no. It’s the palm trees. Okay, another one. I spy somethin’ . . . . huge!”

“This uncomfortable silence,” said Jonathan.

“No! Look outside everybody!”

They all complied, their jaws dropping at the site of the grand hotel in front of them. It stood over 40 stories high with four ginormous gold stars, and with other hotel complexes on each side. Dolphin statues were placed by the entrance, fancy automobiles parked under the breezeway, and jets of water bursting out from the ornate water fountain. The staff were professionally dressed in polos and khaki shorts, robotically smiling their big white smiles at every member.

“If this is what the front looks like, I wonder what the rest of it will look like,” replied Ivy.

“Here we are: _Kannòt la Renmen Resort_.”

“Wow, that’s a mouthful,” Joker commented. “Don’t care what it means, but I’m getting off!”

“Wait for me puddin’!”

“Great, the stupid clown forgot to pay the driver.” Ivy went through her purse, digging out a wad of cash, shoving it through the small slot. “Here’s your total. Keep the change.”

“Thank you ma’am!”

After the driver assisted them in getting their luggage, the gang entered the building and waited at the lobby. Harley was already at the registration desk, showing the receptionist her ticket. “Hi, Harley Quinn. Contest extraordinaire. Where do I sign in?”

Suddenly confetti was fired everywhere, and pink balloons paraded to the floor as music started playing. Harley stood there dumbstruck as the other staff appeared by the desk. “What’s all of this?”

“Congratulations Miss Quinn! As our lucky contest winner, you and your boyfriend, along with the other couples, will each get premium love suites! You’ll get to enjoy everything at the love resort for free. We hope we can make your stay a satisfactory one for you and your partner, as well as your guests. Now, our staff will direct all of you to your rooms.”

“Wait, this is a couples resort!?” Ivy trudged towards Harley, poking the cowering girl above the chest. “Harley, what is the meaning of this? I did NOT agree to go to some love hotel!”

“And what do you mean by couples? None of us are even dating besides the clowns!” Selina retorted to the receptionist, but the perky woman refused to listen to a word she said.

“No worries, we’ll show you to your rooms right away. Enjoy!”

“Hey, I never said anything about —” The dark-haired woman screeched when one of the staff members rudely picked her up like she was dirty laundry, hoisting her over his shoulder while the other staff collected her stuff. Two other staff members grasped a growling Two-Face by both sides and led him to where the man took Selina.

“We’re going to have our talk sooner or later, Harley! Just you wait.” Ivy and Jonathan were led to their rooms similarly to how the staff treated Harvey and Selina.

“ . . . Well, at least you’re enjoyin’ it, right puddin’?”

A loud slap resonated the lobby, a big red mark imprinted on Harley’s cheek. She rubbed the stinging mark, her widened eyes staring back at her puddin’.

“You stupid, worthless brat! A love resort!? This crap is for a buncha lovey-doveys and their mothers! It’s like Valentine’s Day, except every day _is_ Valentine’s Day here! It’s a helluva nightmare!”

“Aw c’mon puddin’, dontcha appreciate anythin’ I’ve done? Besides, everything is free in this hotel, so it’s a win-win . . . . .”

Joker eased a bit, a wicked grin replaced his frown as he hugged Harley. “You clever little minx, I can never stay mad at you. However, you’ve been a very naughty Harley. And naughty people deserve be punished.”

“Eeeep!” Harley gazed adoringly at her boyfriend as he picked her up bridal-style.

“Just take our luggage to our room in an hour.” He snatched the key from one of the staff, dashing towards the elevator to their room as the spectators all ‘awed’ at the deranged couple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I did this fic a long time ago, but if anyone is wondering, I believe the translation for the hotel name was something along the lines of the "loveboat resort". Something like that :')


	4. Love Nest & Icky Fish

“This is the last time I’ll ever listen to Harley and her nonsense.” Selina arched her back, grunting from the cracking noise. “God, he really did a number on me. Thanks for beating them up, Harv.”

“No problem, Selina.”

After that, the two once again fell into an uncomfortable silence, with only the rolling wheels of their luggage invading their quiet thoughts and slicing the thick tension in the air. For a while, they just roamed the halls looking at the room numbers plated on the door, searching for their suite.

“Listen,” Two-Face started. “I’m sorry ‘bout what happened.”

She stared at him in confusion, not fully understanding what he was referring to until the memory came back. “Oh . . . that . . . if it’s any consolation, can we just forget that it ever happened?” Her face started getting pink again.

“Yeah, sure. Wait, I think this is our room.”

They had reached the end of the hall, gazing back at the massive double doors with the gold number 1526 embedded on the plate. Two-Face retracted the key and inserted it in the slot, pushing the door open to stop and stare, horribly petrified at the massive suite.

The first thing they saw was pink and red. Literally, everything was almost an exact imitation of Barbie’s dream house. The sofa was heart-shaped, frilly, and pink; the TV even had the same heart shape design but was red and had fake bunny ears coming out. Kitchen cabinets were white and the marble was a soft crème color with specks of black, high-top chairs were red and heart shaped. Thank god the tables were modern and made of glass.

Selina shrugged her backpack onto the couch while Two-Face surveyed the rest of the rooms. “Oh . . . my . . . god. I feel like I’m in one of those candy commercials.”

“AH DAMMIT!”

“Harvey?” Selina walked into the master bedroom, gasping at the hideous king-sized heart-shaped bed. The covers looked long and decent enough to sleep in, but the pillows!

She picked up a teddy-bear square pillow, weirded out by the big smiling face and twinkling eyes. “Creepy.” It was then that she noticed the metallic object connected to the ceiling, a horrific expression on her face. “What the hell is that!? Please don’t let it be . . .”

Two-Face solemnly nodded. “That is definitely a stripper pole.”

“Nevermind, I take it back. I’m in a playboy commercial.”

 

“This is outrageous! If Harley believes that I am sleeping in that poor excuse of a bed, then forget it! And not to mention the obscene objects vacated throughout the entire suite!”

“Jonathan, calm down. Yes, we all agree that Harley is a bimbo, and we all want to pummel her, but getting upset over the room won’t make it any better.” Ivy unpacked her clothes, laying them out neatly folded on the bed. “We should really tell the designers to get rid of this cheap look, they won’t get any business using it.”

“The sooner we unpack the better it will be for us to leave this place.” Jonathan too started unpacking, hanging his clothes on the hooks and putting them away in the closet. “Where do you think we’ll have lunch at?”

“To be honest, anywhere but here is fine. If this is what the room looks like, I’d hate to imagine what the dining room will be like.”

“Fair enough.”

Ivy rubbed her forehead, suddenly becoming cold. Her teeth started clattering as she desperately rubbed her hands together, really hoping they would leave the sterile room. Jonathan noticed her odd behavior once he finished everything he needed to do.

“Pamela, are you okay? Is it the pheromones?”

“Y-yeah, but I’ll be f-f-fine.” She jumped in surprise when his elegant fingers touched her head. _Never knew a man like him could have such nice hands._

“Hm, looks to me like you could use a bit of sunlight. I’ll make sure we eat somewhere outside,” he contemplated.

She swatted his hand away without caring if she was being rude or not; something wasn’t right with her, and with him being all gentlemanly towards her, coddling her, just made her feel . . . different. The good kind of different, one where she has never experienced with any man before. And she didn’t like it.

“Let’s just hurry, I’m sure the others are waiting. Well, Selina and Harvey; I bet the clowns are occupied with their own affairs.”

 

“Puddin’, do ya know what the Volcanic Explosion is? It doesn’t sound very healthy to me, doesn’t even sound like a dish at all but more like when someone goes to the bathroom.”

The gang, after their horror episode with their rooms (except the clowns who enjoyed it by other means), all decided to try out a famous grill bar away from the hotel. Fortunately for Ivy, there was an outdoor area where she can absorb the sun’s rays; right now she almost looked like her old self again as her skin changed to its vibrant green hue little by little.

Joker sipped his water, clearly frustrated that his pale skin was being burnt to a crisp. “I don’t know, why don’t you ask the waiter?”

“Geez, no need to be so crabby! It’s the sun that’s gotcha in a bad mood.”

“You don’t go outside often, do you J?” Selina flipped the page, skipping all of the entrees to the seafood section. “Crap, and I thought Gotham was more expensive when it comes to seafood. Forty-five dollars for just a fried flounder with two sides? Forget it.”

“I agree, the prices here are ludicrous,” commented Jonathan. “I’ll just have a hamburger and call it a day.”

“I’m right behind you. At least it’s the cheapest thing here.” Selina closed the menu and placed it on the center of the table. “Ivy?”

“I’ll just stick with a nice garden salad for my health.”

Two-Face silently stared at the menu, taking out his coin and flipping it to reveal the scarred side. “Smoked salmon for me.”

“Good one, Harv. I am curious about the Lobster On a Stick. Sounds appetizing.” He ignored Harley’s green face at the mention of salmon and lobster.

“The heck? How is the lobster less expensive than the fried flounder?” Selina replied, looking over at Joker’s menu.

“Beats me, but I can’t wait to skewer it!”

“Harley honey, have you decided?”

Harley shook her head. “Nothin’ Red. Oh wait, what about the Captain’s Booty?”

Joker shot out the water he had been drinking, soaking a screaming Jonathan in the process. “You nuts? That’s the most expensive item on the menu! I’m not exactly made of cash you know.”

“B-but puddin’. . .” Harley gave him the puppy-dog face, her baby blue eyes tearing up.

“No way! You will most likely not eat the whole thing, anyway.”

“I won’t, I promise! Please puddin’, anythin’ that I leave behind I’ll make up for it!” she pleaded.

“Fine. Yeesh, you could be such a baby sometimes.” Joker gestured to the waiter as the young man hurriedly rushed to his side, snapping his fingers in the air. “Garcon, we would like to place our order.”

After ordering their respective meals, and receiving their drinks, a performer got on stage wearing nothing but his grass skirt. Everyone watched in awe as he showed them his flaming batons, twirling them with such fashion and power.

To the super criminals, they weren’t all that impressed, having seen the Joker’s explosions back at Gotham that topped off this guy’s crappy performance.

“B-o-r-i-n-g!” replied Joker, emphasizing every syllable. “If you really want to see something amazing . . .”

“Oh god, where is he going?” Jonathan panicked.

“Don’t worry, puddin’ knows what he’s doing.” Harley clapped as the Joker appeared, wearing nothing but a grass skirt underneath his floral swim trunks. “Knock ‘em dead sweetie!”

“Gladly pooh.” Joker pushed the guy out of the way, skillfully grabbing the flaming baton that spiraled down towards him. The flames were extinguished once he placed them in a fish tank, smoking the fishes inside.

“Good afternoon, everybody. I, the Joker, would like to show you what an actual flame show looks like. Observe.” Out of nowhere, he took out a flame thrower, scorching everything in sight. People screamed in chaos, shoving the chairs and tables onto the floor as the place caught on fire. The gang just sat at their table, away from the fire and terrified mob, all the while Joker was laughing at his glorious creation.

“Isn’t it marvelous? It’s just steaming, and I don’t mean the fish.”

“It’s official, J has gone mad,” Two-Face stated, eating his salmon that had arrived not too long ago.

“He was mad to begin with. This is actually the sanest thing he has ever done on this trip,” Ivy replied nonchalantly, eating bits of her salad.

“Puddin’ is just so wonderful. Such a handsome, clever man.” Harley sighed adoringly, eating a bite out of her shrimp; half of the bowl was already empty.

“Um Harley . . .”

“Don’t say anything, Selina,” murmured Jonathan.

“Ah, hope you liked the show kiddies! Harley, I thought you said you hated fish.”

Harley ceased eating, slowly glancing down at her plate of shrimp back to Joker. “What do ya mean?”

“Shrimp is a type of fish, sweets.”

At that comment, Harley’s face turned sickly green again as she forced herself to swallow the shrimp. “Oh god.”

“Not on my favorite pair of shoes!” Joker held a hand to his mouth, disgusted as Harley vomited on the floor, some chunks landing on his sneakers.

“That’s another picture for me,” Ivy deviously smiled, stuffing the picture she had secretly taken inside her bag.

“Well, I lost my appetite. Why don’t we all go to the beach and relax?” Selina suggested, pushing herself out of her chair to help Harley back up, Ivy helping as well.

“Sounds good to me,” replied Two-Face. “I’ll get the car.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, shrimp isn't really fish. I just couldn't come up with another seafood to substitute for it XD


	5. The Beach

_Turn right onto Shoreline Road. At 3.5 miles, make another right._

“And do what, crash into the fuckin’ rail?”

“Relax Harv.” Selina turned back in her seat. “J, where did you even find this GPS?”

“Dunno, stole it from some random car.” He munched on his food, having to bring it along on the road since he didn’t have the chance to eat at the restaurant. “Are we there yet?”

Two-Face’s hands tightened on the steering wheel, almost turning completely white. “We’ll get there when I say we get there.”

“Well someone’s in a pissed off mood.” Joker waved his hands in defense when Two-Face threateningly glared back. “Alright, I’ll keep it down.”

“How do we even know it works properly? It looks like it hasn’t been updated in a couple years,” replied Jonathan.

“I doubt we need a GPS, there are signs posted everywhere. The beach shouldn’t be too far.” Ivy looked behind at Harley sprawled all over the back seats. “God, she looks awful. Hopefully she’s okay.”

“Who Harley? The gal’s fine, happens sometimes back at Gotham.”

“Is Harley allergic to fish? She seems to get sick a lot, even mentioning it gets her nauseated.” Selina pulled down the mirror, taking out her lip gloss to apply it over her chapped lips.

“The heck should I know!? She never tells me why she hates fish.”

“And you’ve been dating her for how long?” Ivy replied. “Haven’t you asked her?”

Joker stared at her as if she had grown two heads. “You crazy? Asking Harley about anything’s like asking for my death sentence. Once the kid starts talking about her personal life, she _never_ shuts up. Besides, you’re her friend, don’t _you_ ever ask her?”

Ivy shrugged. “Tried it, but she could be stubborn at times.”

_Please turn right. Please turn right. Please turn right. You’re going the wrong way._

“Harvey, can we just shut this thing off?” Selina took the GPS off of the windshield, searching for the off switch.

“If we can, I woulda done it earlier.”

“Alright, I have a better method.” She rolled down the passenger window and threw the device over hundreds of feet away from the vehicle, not caring if it hit someone’s head.

Joker whistled. “Woah, never knew you could throw like that kitty cat.”

“Eh, I used to play baseball with the other street kids. Personally, soccer is my favorite sport. Turn here Harvey, I think this is it.”

“Gladly.” Two-Face followed to where she pointed, glad to see teenagers in their bathing suits, carrying surf boards and a volleyball, knowing they were in the right place. After he parked the car underneath a big oak tree with tons of shade, everyone got out and got their towels from the trunk (Harley was dragged by Ivy and Selina).

“Ah, nothing like fresh open air.” Joker applied his sunscreen, putting a huge trail of white lotion up and down his nose.

“Yeah, and the sun is really hot too.” Selina put on her black and white striped sunhat to cover her head. She took the sunscreen from Joker once he finished applying it to his pale skin.

“The weather is divine.” Ivy closed her eyes and allowed the sun to kiss her healthy green skin, suddenly feeling like herself again. “I think the effects of my cold wore off. Harley, feeling better?”

“Absolutely! I can’t wait to be in the sand.”

The beach was heavily populated with people who are on summer vacation, there was virtually no more spots available as everyone took up every space in the sand. They all gaped at the criminals who arrived, questions like “What are they doing here?” and “Shouldn’t they be in Gotham?” disturbing their peaceful day. Harley brightly beamed when she spotted an empty straw hut for everyone to rest from the harsh sun.

“Hey guys, I found a great spot to relax.” She made her way over there until she was pushed by some random guys.

“Harley!” Ivy quickly rushed to her like a mother hen, helping her up and wiping off the sand from her sundress. “You okay honey?”

“No!” Harley spat out several bits of sand from her mouth, wiping the saliva that trailed down her chin. “Those jackasses pushed me and stole our spot! There’ll be hell to pay, Red.” She marched straight up to the sleazy men.

“Hey jerks, this is our spot! And apologize for pushin’ me.”

All of them whistled, leering at her as a fat guy neared her. “Well, if I’d known you were such a hot babe, I would have swept you off your feet.”

“How rude! I’m in a perfectly happy, committed relationship, bozo.”

“Harley, you need help taking down these pigs.” Selina appeared behind her, already in her fighting stance. She hoped to have brought her whip with her on vacation, now was a good a time as any to teach these jerks who they were dealing with.

“Fine by me, kitty.”

“Oooh,” the others laughed along with the main boss while a blonde man circled Selina. “You could be my kitten any day sweetheart,” he said.

Without warning, Selina had the blonde man in a choke hold, the guy’s face turning a purplish-blue as she applied more pressure to her arms. The others tried to pry her away, but before they could even lay a finger on her, green vines encircled their bodies and dragged them into the thick foliage; only their screams could be heard amidst the thick shrubbery.

“You bitch!” The boss made a grab at Harley, but she easily rolled away and kicked his back, slamming him onto the table as he fell to the ground.

“Now, that wasn’t very nice.” Harley replied, wiping her hands together.

The man rubbed his head, hoping there wasn’t any blood on it. The click of a gun alarmed him as he stared back at the clown prince.

“So, you think you could hurt my Harley? Newsflash: _I_ am the only one who could hurt her.” He lodged the bullet into the man’s skull, not in the least caring that some blood got on him. At the gun’s fire, everyone at the beach vacated the scene, screaming bloody murder at the sky.

“Guess it’s your turn, asshole.” Selina knocked out the guy with her fists, letting the unconscious body slump to the ground. Joker killed him too for good measure.

“There, that takes care of ‘em.”

“Oh puddin’. That was so romantic.” They both kissed passionately, with Selina shaking her head in the background.

“The hell happened here!?” Two-Face and Jonathan witnessed the bloodbath in front of them while Ivy emerged from the bushes.

“Some jerks pushed Harley and stole our spot, then they hit on Harley and Selina, and here we are.” Ivy uninterestingly looked at the corpses. “I’ll get rid of them.” Ivy dragged the corpses by their feet, tossing them into the bush for her plant eaters to digest. She cooed at her babies in adoration, offering praises at their good deeds.

“Well, that’s one way of taking care of ‘em,” muttered Two-Face.

“On the bright side, we have the beach to ourselves! We could go swimming naked!”

“NO!!!” Everyone screamed, not wanting to see the Joker take off his swim trunks, everyone except Harley that is.

“I do NOT want to ever see you naked in my life!” Ivy yelled.

“I’m with her on that,” Selina piped in.

“Aw, you guys are no fun, but alright. I’ve always wanted to try water sailing.”

With the beach to themselves, the super criminals practically did whatever they wanted to do. Harley preferred staying in the sand after seeing a school of fish swim around near the shore; she buried Jonathan under the sand and started forming a mermaid tail for him. Ivy stayed with her plants, smiling as she tenderly stroked their leaves and had conversations with each of them. Joker, Two-Face, and Selina all decided on water sailing, hijacking a speedboat and parasail for the Joker.

Once the harnesses were secured around his body, the Joker put on his goggles. He mock saluted the other two. “Ready when you guys are.”

“Kay, let’s get this thing on.” Selina, in her fashionable black one-piece, put the key in the ignition and steered the boat.

“Get ready, J.” Two-Face raised the sail, watching as the Joker’s feet ascended from the floorboard.

“Nice view from up here! I wish I had one of these back home.” The Joker loved the feel of the wind breezing through his green locks as he flew over the ocean. “Haha, look at me go!”

“Yay puddin’!” Harley waved from hundreds of feet below, giggling enthusiastically as she forgot Jonathan.

“Hey Harley, don’t leave me here!” The sand that piled up on him was too heavy, only his head was exposed out in the bright light, and he had a hard struggle getting out.

Selina smiled, some raven locks getting in her eyes. “Looks like J is having fun, and not your usual ‘I’m-going-to-destroy-Gotham’ fun.”

Two-Face went to stand beside her. “Yeah, hard to tell when the clown is actually enjoying himself or not. Most of the time he’s thinking of some chaotic plan.”

“True.” The engine on the boat groaned, picking up less and less as it died off.

“Oh crap, I think the engine is dying.” She read the gas meter, and sure enough the red line was leaning dangerously close to empty. “We should have checked the fuel before using this boat.”

“And J is still in the air!”

“Hey, what’s going on?” Joker noticed the boat slowing down, his fearful eyes widening when it stopped completely.

“WOOOOOAHHHH!”

The parasail, since it went so fast before and didn’t anticipate the abrupt stop of the boat, launched him forwards hundreds of meters, sending him head-first into the ocean.

“J!” Both Two-Face and Selina abandoned the boat as they dived into the water to save their friend.

“Puddin’!” Harley dashed towards the end of the beach, whimpering when she saw the fishes again. _Screw it, my puddin’ needs me!_ She bravely skipped on her tippy toes across the moist sand as the waves came in, shouting when slimy scales touched her bare skin.

“Harley, I’m still trapped!” Jonathan shouted.

Harley stopped running once she was sure this was the last spot she saw Joker, panicking when she couldn’t see him anywhere.

“Harvey, Selina! I don’t see him!” She yelled, seeing both of them dive head-first into the water to where they last saw Joker. A few minutes later, they resurfaced with his wet body around their shoulders as they returned back to the beach.

“Oh puddin’, why did ya even go? Ya can’t even swim.” She cradled Joker’s head in her lap, letting him cough up water on her knees.

“He can’t swim?” Selina asked. “Then why did he even go with us?”

“Well, we do live in Gotham, it’s not like ya can swim in the ocean since its always freezing cold.”

“I’m not even gonna respond to that. Let’s just all return to the resort,” Two-Face gravelly replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Joker, when will you ever learn? XD


	6. Wet-n-Burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is yet another chapter. I love this group so much; the villains need their own group movie or something :)

“Look on the bright side puddin’, at least it’s safer here,” Harley adjusted the water floaties on his arm, glad to have taken them from the resort.

He snatched her hands away from him. “Will you stop that!? I look ridiculous, and people are staring.”

“No they aren’t, they’re barely noticing us.” Quite the opposite happened: the other resort couples quietly snickered amongst themselves, in fear of being mutilated if Joker had heard them. “Now, hold still!”

Ivy shook her head, obviously enjoying the amount of torture the Joker had to endure on this trip. “I didn’t think things could have gotten any better since J’s beach incident, but clearly the world just loves to answer my calls.”

Jonathan chuckled. “Yes, I too enjoy the clown writhing in fear.” He noticed Ivy having a hard time applying lotion on her back. “Do you need help, Pamela?”

“No! I mean, no thanks. I can handle this.” She tried to reach behind her, frustrated when her arms couldn’t reach every spot. When she still couldn’t reach everything, she sighed and shoved the bottle at him. “Knock yourself out.”

“O-oh right.” Jonathan blushed, having never expected her to comply with his question. He squirted a measurable size onto his hands, turning back to her. “Let me know if I’m doing something wrong.”

It sometimes amazes Ivy how sweet he can be, even if she knew all about his polite mannerisms and boyish charms. Had it been any other sleaze ball, she would have destroyed him on the spot for even trying to suggest such a lewd act, but Jonathan had no hidden intentions behind his actions and sincerely wanted to assist her.

_He’s not like the men I used to date._

Jonathan didn’t know if his rubbing was annoying her, having not heard a single peep while he continued his ministrations. _Did I upset her?_

“Um Jonathan, I said I’m fine.”

“What?” He saw her green eyes gazing over her shoulder, her curly red hair falling in her face and gracefully over her shoulder. _She’s very beautiful._ He gulped, mentally smacking him for ever thinking such thoughts; he swiftly handed the lotion back to her.

“Sorry. I don’t see the clowns anywhere,” he offhandedly replied.

“That’s not good. We should keep an eye on them, who knows what other crazy ideas J has.” She absentmindedly took his hand and began dragging him off the foldable chair.

“Wait, wha-aaah!”

Meanwhile, with the other two villains, they decided to cool off on the Lazy River –Harvey of course making his decision with the flip of his coin when she had asked him to accompany her. They went to the storage hut, examining any remaining tubes they had left. Luckily, there were two more.

“I call the green one!” Selina stepped inside the hole, crouching down to grasp onto the sides and place it over her body.

Two-Face grabbed the other blue one just as a staff member cheerily approached him.

“Nah uh. This is a couples resort, and couples must be together at all times.” He pointed to a young teenage couple happily skipping towards them, their hands joined. They looked disappointed when they saw all of the tubes taken.

“The hell if I care. Now beat it!” He didn’t want to have to deal with the man’s obnoxious personality, frankly it was too perky for his tastes. _And I thought the clowns were worse, boy was I wrong._

The instructor just kept smiling, not following the younger male’s remark. “Now, now, young man. You have to learn how to share.”

“The fuck, I ain’t a little kid!”

Selina intervened by grabbing onto his arm, wedging herself between the two men. “Darling, where are you going? I got one just for us, you can give that to the nice couple over there.” She pushed him aside after he bitterly gave the teenagers their own tube, grumbling under his breath. “Sorry, he hasn’t taken his afternoon nap and can get cranky sometimes.”

The instructor nodded in understanding. “Of course, happens all the time. Enjoy your time, ma’am.”

“Thanks!” She returned back to Harvey, who had already stepped inside the water with his butt inside the opening. She laughed to herself at how ridiculous yet adorable he looked inside the tube.

“This sucks ass, it just had to be a couples resort. The stuff that goes ‘round Harley’s head’s beyond me,” he muttered, flipping his coin to ease his grumpy mood.

Selina trudged heavily towards Harvey, shivering from the freezing temperature of the water. “We’re just going to have to suck it up and enjoy it for the rest of the week.”

“God, and it’s only been a few hours! Nevermind a wee—woah!”

Two-Face flailed in his tube as she climbed on top, her hand accidentally pushing his face back as she tried to get more comfortable. He was about to give her a piece of his mind when her foot slipped and harshly hit his covered dick.

She flushed, wincing at the strangled cry he gave out when she fell on his lap. She squeaked when the tube rocked from side to side, her arms wrapped tightly around his neck and her legs straddling his torso, unknowingly bringing her ample chest closer to him.

Two-Face’s eye twitched, her breasts practically shoved in his face for his viewing pleasure, and it didn’t help that the top part slightly moved to the side, showing more skin. _God help me with this woman._

Her cheeks cutely flushed from the awkward position yet again with the ex-DA. “Oh, sorry Harv.”

“It’s fine. S-stop squirming!” He held her hips in place, already feeling himself aroused by her innocent gestures. _Dammit, anything but that!_

 “. . . Harvey?” she replied.

“What?”

“Maybe I should have pushed us closer to the current before getting on.”

“ . . . Ah fuck.”

 

“What do ya mean I can’t go?”

Standing in line, Harley stubbornly crossed her arms in front of her while letting the man cautiously explain to her the rules. All she had wanted was to go down the slide with her one true love, and suddenly this moron tries to ruin her romantic trip. _He’s askin’ for it . . ._

“Sorry ma’am. Only couples can go, you need someone else to go with you.”

“But I’m not alone! Puddin’ is right here . . .” she looked to all sides, seeing the Joker ahead of her and starting to prepare himself down the slide. “PUDDIN’!”

He frowned when she screamed, clearly not too pleased to have been caught. “Oh don’t be such a baby, Harls. Ask Pammy or Johnny boy to accompany you.”

“UH-UH. WE’RE A HAPPY COUPLE WHO LOVE EACH OTHER DEARLY —”

“I could argue with that . . .”

“AND I’LL BE DAMNED IF I HAVE TO GO WITHOUT YOU. STOP BEING A SELFISH, GREEDY CLOWN AND **LET ME ENJOY MY VACATION**!”

“HARLEY WAIT!” Joker cried out when Harley tackled him down, and the gushing water muffled their screams as it pushed them down the steep slope.

Everyone looked down from the stairs, trying to locate the clown couple from the long water slide. Ivy and Jonathan spotted the familiar green and blonde hairs from the open slide, both clowns wrestling one another.

“I didn’t know you could do that down a water slide,” he replied.

“Me either. Knock him dead, Harls.” Ivy chuckled as her friend successfully knocked out the clown, and used his unconscious body as a body board.

 

_It’s official, this is the most embarrassing moment of my life._ Her face hid further into Two-Face’s damp chest, not wanting to have to deal with the smiling instructor who kindly pushed them along the current without hesitation.

“You two have fun, you hear?” The instructor released his hold on the tube, getting out of the water to probably bug some other couple elsewhere.

Despite their added weight, the tube was surprisingly moving fluidly down the current as if it was carrying light feathers. They both refused to move, not wanting the tube to sway again like last time and make things even more uncomfortable than it really is.

_On the bright side, I’m saved the trouble from getting a wedgie. Thank god for bikini shorts._

“You okay, Selina?”

She snapped her head towards the man above her, clearly surprised to hear him after the long silence. “U-um yeah. Just peachy,” she stammered. “If I’m upsetting you, I can get off if you want.”

He shook his head. “Nah, don’t bother. We’re here anyways, so let’s make the most outta it.”

“Alright.” She curiously peered down at her lap, seeing a shiny object protruding out of his palm. “Hey Harv, you don’t mind if I see your coin?”

He compliantly handed her his most prized possession, observing any reactions from the young woman. She turned the coin so she could inspect all sides, noticing one of them was charred.

_Just like him,_ she thoughtfully mused.

“Was this coin affected by the accident too?”

He solemnly nodded, relishing on the feel of her delicate hand on his scarred one, refusing to let go from his. “Yeah, after couple of thugs ruined my image and I was taken to the hospital, one of the nurses placed it on the desk next to me, told me it was inside the suit. Scarred, like I was. I was dependent on it before, and now my fate is tied with it through the end. Pretty pathetic, eh?”

Selina shook her head, her short hair framing her face. “Not really. With or without the coin, you’re still the same Harvey that I admire, regardless of what happened to you.”

“You . . . admire me?” his eyes widened.

“Always. You were this young man who always valued honor and fairness above all other, who wanted to change Gotham for the better. It inspired me, someone who lost all hope and didn’t care about who I hurt, just as long as I survived. You made me see that not everything was shades of gray, and that I can depend on others.”

“I don’t know what to say.” His hand detached from hers, the coin safely in his possession. “I’m not the same man that I used to be. I’m a wanted criminal, hated by everyone.”

She sighed, embracing him as she leaned against the scarred side of his body, softly smiling when his hands came upon her back. “Not me. I’ll always love you no matter what, whether you’re plain old Harvey Dent or Two-Face.” She leaned back to see his face, content to see the same emotions she felt reflected in his eyes.

Both leaned close to one another, about to kiss when suddenly . . . . . . . . . . .

“LOOK OUT!”

 

“Where do you think they went?” Ivy ran down the stairs, running towards the entrance of the slide.

“I saw them head into the Lazy River, that’s where the slide merges.”

“Good, at least Selina and Harvey can find them there.” They both searched the waters for their friends until they saw four objects tumbled over one another. “Wait, I think that’s them!”

“YOU DUMB BROAD! WAIT UNTIL I STRANGLE YOU!”

“Yep, that is definitely J.” Jonathan sweat-dropped as Joker grabbed Harley’s throat, plunging the girl’s face into the water while choking her.

“J, LET HER GO!” Ivy shouted, about to step into the water.

“No Red, I’m fine!” Joker pushed the bubbly blonde back in for a while before hoisting her back up, all giddy and smiling. “This is the most affectionate thing Mistah J has ever done! I love ya, puddin’!”

Joker dunked her, darkly chuckling as she gurgled underwater. “And I you, my sweets!”

While the clowns were at it with their crazy antics, and Ivy face-palming at the commotion, Two-Face came up to the surface, spitting buckets of water that had entered his mouth. He cringed at the foul taste of chlorine, his dark her clinging to his forehead and over his perpetual scowl. “Dammit J, couldya have gone somewhere else? I was busy!”

“Busy? Oh don’t tell me, you were gonna tie the knot with kitty, eh? Harvey, you dog!”

Selina came up too, coughing out water as well as she tried to breathe oxygen back into her system. She collected as much supply of air as she can before speaking, “Harvey . . . your coin . . .”

“My . . .?” It was in that moment that he realized he wasn’t holding anything in his palm. He anxiously stared at his exposed hands, perturbed by the idea that his precious coin was missing. “Shit, we gotta find it!”

“There I see it,” Jonathan pointed at a dark shadow in the pool, slowly drifting away from them and under the other people. “How the hell is it moving!? By definition, anything higher than the water’s density should sink! It defies all concepts of science regarding mass and density –”

“Less talkin’, more squabblin’! Harley, help them out.”

“A-okay, Mistah J! Wait for me, ya stupid coin!” Harley squealed as she swam down to find the coin, rudely pushing people off their tubes as she went by. “Found ya!” She gave a harsh tug, groaning when the heavy object refused to budge.

“Um, miss?”

Harley turned around to see a very old man, confused to why he was there until he pointed to what she had grabbed onto.

“Whoopsie, sorry mister.” She dunked his toe back into the water, once again diving back in, her legs wildly kicking the elderly in the process.

“Harley, what’s taking so long?” Joker kneeled by the edge of the pool while the others stood behind him to watch Harley swim. She came up a few minutes later, coin in hand and gleefully smiling.

“Here ya go, Harvey!”

“Thank god, I owe you one Harley.” He took it away from her, sighing in relief to see the scarred coin.

“Great work, pooh. Maybe after this, we can treat ourselves to a free, romantic dinner. How does that sound?”

“You’re the best, puddin’!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hm, I'm debating whether or not this should be M rated. Hopefully it's okay as Teen rated X'D


	7. Limbo!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys :D thanks for all your support. Here is yet another chapter, and more hilarity/drama.
> 
> Enjoy!

The indoor restaurant that the hotel had resembled nothing like what any of them expected (which was good, since they were still recovering from the suites); it had the same marble tiles, but the tables and chairs were made out of dark mahogany wood and were adorned with rich tablecloths and pillows. A bright chandelier dimmed the room in perfect lighting as everyone conversed amongst themselves.

Harley hummed, seeing her reflection on the metal spoon as she checked her teeth. “Puddin’, is there somethin’ in my teeth?”

“No Harley, and stop asking me! We haven’t even eaten anything yet!”

Harley ran her tongue over her teeth, shrugging nonchalantly as she placed the spoon down. “Just askin’ . . .” She delicately placed her napkin over her lacey red dress before trailing her thumb over the water glass, tired eyes watching her movement. “I’m bored!”

“Saying your bored won’t help you, pooh. Trust me, I’ve tried.”

“Wonder what’s keepin’ the others so long.”

Joker smirked. “Seeing as how Harv and Kitty are now chummy together, I can guess what they’re doing.”

“Mistah J! Don’t think like that. Wait, since when did they get together? Aw man, I missed it!”

“So what? Not like it was a secret before; Kitty was pretty obvious with her affections towards the lug.”

“Yeah, but all my hard planning will go to waste!”

“What are you talking about?”

Harley sighed, clearly he didn’t understand her plan yet. “Puddin’, I purposefully brought them all here because I had a hunch that they all had trouble expressing their true feelings towards one another. I thought this trip would finally change their boring single life, and they’d go home happy to have gotten everythin’ off their chests.”

Joker laughed, his hand hitting against his leg. “Oh pooh, what makes you think Weed lady or Johnny boy had romantic feelings for one another? I could understand Harv and Selina, but c’mon.”

Harley frowned. “It’s not funny, puddin’. Honestly, I don’t know if they do like each other like that; I just hoped to match Red up with a guy she truly deserves. Her history with men isn’t all that great, y’know. And besides, Johnny is a nice guy, a gentleman who would never mistreat her.”

“You got that right.”

“Shhh, they’re coming this way.” The rest of the gang stopped at the table, all of them dressed in nice clothing: Ivy in a long strapless leaf green dress, Jonathan in a long-sleeved buttoned shirt and dark pants, Selina in a short black halter dress with beautiful red hibiscuses, and Two-Face in his white & black suit.

“Omg Red, did ya make the dress yourself? It’s gorgeous! And kitty, I’ve never seen ya in a dress before. You look so beautiful, ya gotta wear ‘em more often.”

Selina blushed at the compliment, though turned redder when Two-Face suggestively touched her. “Harvey!” she whispered, receiving a wink from the male.

“Thanks Harls.” Ivy thanked Jonathan as he held her chair open for her.

 _Those two are so adorable together! I gotta match ‘em up somehow._ The lights turned off, earning gasps all around, until a spotlight centered on the stage where the crazy instructor from before gaily beamed at the cheering crowd.

“Welcome everybody, I hope you are all enjoying your stay with us. Tonight we have a very special activity for all of you that you might enjoy.” Everyone clapped enthusiastically as the man sheepishly bowed. “For our activity, the couples will participate in a limbo contest!”

“Oh, that sounds swell! Puddin’ aren’t ya excited?” Harley clapped along with the crowd.

Joker sighed, resting his chin on his hand. “Whatever, pooh. I don’t see what makes it so special.”

The announcer continued once the crowd died down. “The rule is simple: the last couple standing will receive a new improved penthouse, complete with three bedrooms, three baths, a luxurious kitchen and dining room, and a beautiful balcony for a fantastic view. It’s perfect for the loving couple and any other guests that they brought along.”

Joker’s eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. “Woah mama, now _that’s_ the kind of prize I need.”

“A penthouse?” Ivy breathed, not believing those words coming from the man’s mouth.

“Since when did they have a penthouse? I coulda killed a couple guys for it,” grumbled Two-Face.

“Yeah, and I thought the suite was enough,” replied Selina, shuddering from the horrible image of gaudy pink and red furniture. “We have to win.”

“Well, according to the rule, only one couple has to win and they can take the others with them,” said Jonathan. “It’s important that we all try to at least make it until the very end.”

“Nerd’s got a point, and that means getting rid of the competition.” Joker smiled, slowly revealing a metal object within his suit.

“Puddin’! Ya can’t go around killin’ people here, we are on vacation; I’m not gonna be forced to leave because of it. We’re winning this thing fair and square, got it?”

“Fine, but we better not lose because of you, brat.” He distastefully shoved the weapon back inside his coat.

“Without further ado, everyone get up and let the limbo contest begin!” Caribbean music blared throughout the dining hall, and everyone got up out of their chairs, shoving them aside to make room.

A long bamboo stick was centered in the middle of the room, held by the staff members on each side.

“Oh, I almost forgot another important rule: everyone must place their hands on your partner’s hips. Remove them, and you’ll be disqualified!”

“You kidding me!?” Joker yelped when Harley forcefully placed his pale hands on her hips.

“Come on puddin’, we’re first!” Harley squealed in delight as she cautiously bent down a bit, the pole grazing her blonde hair. Her head laid on his shoulder, her eyes swooning at the sight of her boyfriend. “Isn’t this romantic, puddin’?”

“Yeah, yeah, now hurry up!”

Soon the rest of the couples went, some falling when they accidentally stepped over one another, thus eliminated from the game. Fortunately, the gang still remained as the pole kept going lower and lower, and there were about five other couples besides them.

Ivy gaped at the pole, which by now only reached her hips. “Oh god, I don’t think I can do this . . .”

“Suck it up, Weed! You are staying in whether you like it or not!”

“Don’t tell me what to do, creep!” Her gaze fearfully looked at the object, having doubts cross her mind.

“Pamela it’s okay, we can do this.” His reassuring voice behind her and the comforting squeeze calmed her down a bit, though now she was more distracted by Jonathan’s ministrations than the game itself.

“O-okay.” Both of them slowly worked their way through the ordeal, their legs straining under the pressure as they moved bit by bit under the pole. When they had safely reached the end, Ivy turned around and tightly hugged him. “Thank you so much.”

“N-no problem.” Jonathan blushed, remembering to keep his hands on her waist as they went to the back of the line behind Two-Face and Selina.

“Damn, they lowered it too much,” replied Selina before it was their turn, seeing the stick up to her knees.

“No worries, nothing we can’t handle.”

While they were waiting, Joker had an empty wine bottle and sneakily rolled it onto the floor, laughing as the bottle moved near the pole. He cursed when the couple safely reached the other side, though his eyes widened when Selina started moving.

“Kitty cat, wait!”

Selina, glancing back at his outburst, didn’t have time to comprehend what he was saying when her heel slipped onto something. “Hey!” She slid off the surface, causing her and Two-Face to stumble harshly onto the floor.

“Whoops, you’re out kids,” said the instructor.

“J, the hell!?” Two-Face hoisted his girlfriend back up, who tried to prevent her dress from showing off her undergarments.

“I’m never wearing a dress again,” Selina bitterly replied.

“Great going, J,” retorted Ivy, seeing the couple go back to their table. “Keep it up and none of us will win.”

“What? It’s not like I did it on purpose! Next time I’m not listening to Harley—since when did I even start doing that—and I’m going to just kill people. I never miss when I shoot.”

As the number of couples started dwindling, the super villains couldn’t help but mentally celebrate their accomplishment. They could practically taste the big prize as only the clowns, Pamela and Jonathan, and two other couples remained standing. The instructor changed the music, one more fast-paced and louder than the first.

Following along to the beat of the music, Harley happily swayed her hips from side to side, black heels tapping along the floor. She didn’t seem to mind her boyfrien’d annoyed expression, her mind set on the music until his rough hands pinched her in place.

“Ow! Why did ya do that, puddin’? I was enjoin myself!” she sadly pouted, rubbing her sides.

“You dumb broad! I’m trying to win this ridiculous contest, and you aren’t helping!”

Harley stomped her foot harshly on his pointed shoe, satisfied when he let go of her hips to grip his injured foot. “Take that, ya moron.”

“IDIOT!”

Everyone in the room nervously watched the escapade, sweat-dropping from the arguing couple who got in each other’s faces. The instructor was about to disqualify them for violating the rules, but the sound of the clowns punching one another while they rolled across the stage had him quiet down.

“Okay . . .” he shrugged at the collar of his shirt, eyeing the fighting clowns and the other supervillains that broke them apart and manhandled them back to their table. “Let’s continue with the game!”

“Looks like we’re the only ones left,” commented Jonathan from behind. “What should we do?”

Ivy scoffed, brushing her fiery locks away from her skin. “I’m not going to stand by and let someone else take that sweet prize. We need to step up our game.”

The nature lady wickedly smiled to herself when she spotted a beautiful rose tucked away inside a man’s shirt pocket, and communicating with the plant, she watched as the roots extended out of his shirt, thorns pricking at his skin. The man shrieked, immediately taking his hands off his wife’s waist and trying to shrug off the plant, but he tumbled to the ground, taking his screaming wife with him.

The villains snickered to themselves while the staff hurriedly rushed to the couple, hoisting them up and taking them out of the dining hall, meaning that Ivy and Jonathan were facing off against the last couple.

“It’s down to the final two couples. Who will win?” The instructor gestured towards the members, the bamboo stick lowering until it was halfway down to the knees. “Anyone brave enough to go?”

The gay couple narrowed their eyes at Ivy and Jonathan, awkwardly moving down with trembling knees. It was obvious that they were struggling while moving, their upper bodies barely reaching underneath the pole before tripping onto the floor from the stick.

As soon as the men were out, the supervillains rapidly rushed towards their friends, all hugging one another as the instructor announced the names of the winners. Balloons streamed from the ceiling, and confetti blasted in the air like the time Harley was congratulated by the lady at the front desk, only this was so much better.

“Congratulations! You have been—”

“Yeah, yeah, just give us the key already!” Joker insisted, shouting when the object was thrusted into the palm of his hand. “Oh baby, let’s go right now! I can’t contain my excitement!”

After the dinner was over, the gang wasted no time in rushing towards the elevator, roughly pushing one another inside the small compartment. The doors closed and the button on the key-pad flashed, and soon the elevator was moving up. They all held in their breath when the elevator made a _ding!_ sound.

“Hurry up, J!”

“I’m going, Pammie! No need to have a cow.” Joker inserted the key to the door, shoving the heavy mass aside with his shoulder, and his jaw literally dropped to the floor at the gorgeous room.

In the front of them was the living room, leather couches all going in a square loop facing the gigantic TV screen hung against the wall, a big table in the middle of the couches. The kitchen was open-spaced, connected with the living room and decorated with marble countertops, dark brown cabinets, and a stainless steel refrigerator. Three hallways were visible in their peripheral vision, two on the left and one on the right, probably leading to the bedrooms.

Joker inhaled the aroma of the room, a wide grin stretched on his pale face. “Now this is what I’m talking about. I call the master bedroom.”

Two-Face frowned, stepping up to the clown. “Who made you in charge? Maybe I wanted the bigger bedroom.”

Joker scoffed. “For what? So you and Kitty can go all out? Nah-uh, I’m the guy with the gun, so _I’m_ in charge.”

“Now puddin’, can’t we just be reasonable? Why don’t we draw straws?” The blonde suggested, though instantly shut up when her boyfriend glared at her.

“I call the big bedroom, and no one is saying otherwise.” He pulled out the gun from his coat, daring his pals to object to his rule.

Selina briefly raised her hands in the air, sighing in defeat. “Whatever. This is ridiculous anyway. I’m settling in the room already.” The black-haired woman gently tugged on her boyfriend’s arm, dragging him to the left side of living room with Ivy and Jonathan going the opposite direction from their friends.

Harley beamed, arms enveloping her boyfriend. “Oh Mistah J! We have the big room to ourselves! Wanna rev up your Harley, puddin’?”

She shrieked when he pushed her onto the couch, cowering in fear from his looming frame. “I’m still mad at you for screwing us up downstairs. You’re sleeping on the couch for the remainder of this trip.”

The blonde felt her heart break in two, sobbing onto her knees with hands clasped together. “Please puddin’, I’ll do anythin’! Ya gotta let me sleep with you! I’d be miserable without you.”

“Enough with the sob fest! You’re sleeping here and that’s final!”

Harley cringed from the abrupt slam of the door, the pictures on the wall wobbling from the thundering affect. She sighed, hand resting her chin as she scooted further into the couch. “I miss him already . . .”


End file.
